The Definition of Insanity ...

... is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

I had an absolute cracking couple of hours in which I went through my old blog and relieved the days of Derek, Nate, Burke, the American, Guy #1, Guy #2 and so on. I honestly do not know how I had the energy for so much drama! Unfortunately, I can see myself following the same pattern and I don't like it. Two examples:

1. Towards the end of my relationship with Derek, I suggested we have a separation rather than completely break up. This went on for a couple of months until I eventually just broke up with him. Round 2 has me going on a "break" with James for a fixed 6 month period. The similarities are glaringly obvious but I just don't know if once again I am too scared of change and heartbreak or, if this time, there is something worth fighting for.

2. As soon as I was up shit creek with Derek, I transferred all my affections to the ridiculously, unsuitable Nate. The second time round, James and I have agreed we can see other people while we are on a break so of course I immediately went on a date with a guy called Marc who I was 99.9% certain was trouble and, lo and behold, turned out to be trouble. The similarities are glaringly obvious and absolutely nothing sets this time and the last time apart. Thankfully I am older and (touch wood) wiser. I have shut this non-thing with Marc down because I can see it for exactly what it is: a distraction from a difficult situation that I'm finding hard to face; fleeing at the first (well, 15th) sign of trouble; jumping ship before checking you can plug the leak; pessimism that a chipped vase can't be restored. You get my drift.

This time I'm not running away from my problems and I will face them head on.

A Change Is Coming

Change can be really difficult even when we know that it's for the best. While familiarity and routine can bring us comfort, they do not necessarily encourage us to live our lives to the fullest.

I am 26 and I have this huge fear that I am not living my life to the fullest. That I'm letting my best years pass me by in a dull routine of work work work. That I'm staying in a relationship that no longer makes me happy because I'm scared of heartbreak. That I should be young and carefree with not a worry in the world but in truth I'm carrying 10 lifetimes' worth of worries. That I'm too young to feel this old. Being in your twenties is fucking hard people!

All of these feelings (and some other stuff I won't cover just yet) came to a head 3 weeks ago. Neil and I decided to move out of our flat and take a step back from our relationship. We're on a break and can see other people. I moved out this weekend with the help of some amazing friends and my sisters and I'm slowly adjusting to life in some kind of strange limbo land. On the upside, at least I'm back in south London.