The Definition of Insanity ...

... is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

I had an absolute cracking couple of hours in which I went through my old blog and relieved the days of Derek, Nate, Burke, the American, Guy #1, Guy #2 and so on. I honestly do not know how I had the energy for so much drama! Unfortunately, I can see myself following the same pattern and I don't like it. Two examples:

1. Towards the end of my relationship with Derek, I suggested we have a separation rather than completely break up. This went on for a couple of months until I eventually just broke up with him. Round 2 has me going on a "break" with James for a fixed 6 month period. The similarities are glaringly obvious but I just don't know if once again I am too scared of change and heartbreak or, if this time, there is something worth fighting for.

2. As soon as I was up shit creek with Derek, I transferred all my affections to the ridiculously, unsuitable Nate. The second time round, James and I have agreed we can see other people while we are on a break so of course I immediately went on a date with a guy called Marc who I was 99.9% certain was trouble and, lo and behold, turned out to be trouble. The similarities are glaringly obvious and absolutely nothing sets this time and the last time apart. Thankfully I am older and (touch wood) wiser. I have shut this non-thing with Marc down because I can see it for exactly what it is: a distraction from a difficult situation that I'm finding hard to face; fleeing at the first (well, 15th) sign of trouble; jumping ship before checking you can plug the leak; pessimism that a chipped vase can't be restored. You get my drift.

This time I'm not running away from my problems and I will face them head on.